


hand sanitizer (isn't edible)

by orphan_account



Category: Original Work
Genre: 01/12/20: fuck it, 27/11/20: i was going to orphan this but i decided not to because i apparently hate myself, Bad Inside Jokes, Bad Jokes, Based on a True Story, Crack, Ever - Freeform, Everyone's Out of Character, First Person, Gen, I’m sorry, OOC, Present Tense, Pure Crack, The Author Regrets Everything, at least it’s just at the very end, crisps, don’t read this i’m begging you, hand sanitizer, i wrote this instead of doing my maths homework, i'm using the names of musical characters for this, it's okay i hate myself too, i’m orphaning this shit, no capital letters, relating to a terrible inside joke, so everyone's going to be, that must not be discussed, they didn't ask for it but i delivered, this is just for my friends, tw: mentions of abortion, unfortunately this is probably the best thing i’ve ever written, you make ‘em we bake ‘em
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:47:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26634601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: this is based on something that happened today, which involves a bag of crisps, way too much hand sanitizer, and the very strange tagline "you make 'em, we bake 'em".
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	hand sanitizer (isn't edible)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Banana_Uyu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Banana_Uyu/gifts).



> this fic doesn’t do justice to the actual chaos of the situation, and for that i can only apologise, also, this is for xotpx (referred to as ‘jake’ in this story) since no one else mentioned has ao3. i mostly wrote this cause i had nothing better to do lol. also, the dialogue isn’t completely accurate since i couldn’t remember exactly what was said. some things may have been left out to make it easier for me to write this.

i sit at my desk (situated in the second column and third row of the three columns and four rows in the classroom). i’m eating my lunch, chicken nuggets and rice. my headphones are in my ears, but i’m not listening to anything. behind me is jd, currently standing on a table, yelling about something. heather looks at him. “you know, a teacher might see you through the window...” she says.

“shit, you’re right,” he mutters, jumping down. he walks over to the blinds to close them. “hey, come help me with this!” he calls over to martha, who was previously watching something on her laptop. she goes to help him, and eventually all four of the windows are covered, leaving the room in almost complete darkness. heather looks up to find the source of the remaining light. “the board is on.” she gestures to the electronic board at the front of the classroom. jd quickly proceeds to switch it off before heading back to his seat, first stopping off at the door to make sure it’s closed properly. after sitting down, he pulls his ipad out of his bag and begins colouring in the background of a blank document. this goes on for a while, the sound of chatter filling my ears, before heather suddenly stands up from her seat, walking towards the front of the classroom. i watch her through the corner of my eye, briefly noticing her picking up the bottle of hand sanitizer. the next time i look up, hand sanitizer is dripping from her hands, falling onto the floor, soaking into the carpet. “what…?” i ask, not knowing how exactly to finish the question.

“hand sanitizer,” heather responds curtly, continuing to stand in the same spot (i assume that she’s waiting for enough of the hand sanitizer to fall for her to be able to use her hands again). jd then stands up, walking to the front of the room to stand next to heather. “can i have some?” he asks. heather happily obliges, pouring hand sanitizer onto his hands (possibly more than she used on her own). “oh god!” jd exclaims, while heather just stands there smiling. she places the bottle back on the desk, while jd simply stares at his hands (and - by extension - the hand sanitizer that coated them). “well what do i do with this now?” he asks.

i laugh. “you should drink it,” i suggest.

jd stares straight at me. “what? no!”

i shrug. “i mean…there’s alcohol in it.”

he didn’t respond, and his silence prompted heather to propose her own idea. “you should put it on your face.”

“okay,” says jd (much to my surprise, may i add), he then proceeds to do as heather instructed, spread the hand sanitizer over his cheeks. “it smells!” he exclaims.

“you should’ve put your mask on,” says heather, and jd - once again - complies (to those reading this in the future, i must remind you that the mask was in his possession in order to protect him from the coronavirus). “ew, it’s much worse now,” he says. “at least i could smell my spritz before, now it’s just hand sanitizer!”

“i meant that you should’ve put the mask on  _ before  _ hitting yourself with the hand sanitizer,” heather says matter-of-factly.

“i’m going to die…” jd muttered, before sinking onto the floor, staring straight ahead like a deer in the headlights.

“should’ve just taken my advice and eaten it,” i say, picking up a forkful of rice.

“yes, because that wouldn’t have killed me?!” jd says in a high pitched voice.

“well we could’ve found out!”

jd doesn’t look too pleased with me, so i just ignore him and continue eating. a little while later, a group of people walk into the classroom, immediately switching on the lights. jd’s screams can immediately be heard.

“hey!” zoe exclaims. “i’m pregnant.” before i can respond, she adds “the gender is ready salted, the name is crunchy golden, and the birthday-” she pauses, pulling a bag of crisps out from underneath her jumper, reading something off from the packet “-december 11th 2020.” ohh, so she’s talking about a bag of crisps. “chloe is the grandmother-”

“godmother,” chloe interjects.

“right, godmother,” zoe hastily corrects herself, “and we’re going to have a baby shower once rich and jake get here.”

this makes perfect sense. totally.

ignoring the group, i close my lunchbox, placing it back into my locker. as i close the door, i hear a crunching noise from the other side of the room, followed by screams. i turn around to see what the problem is, catching sight of zoe, eating the crisps.

“zoe nO!” jd yells. “you killed your baby!”

“before the baby shower,” i mutter to myself.

and that was the moment at which rich and jake decide to enter the room.

“we’re here for the baby shower!” jake slams the door behind him.

“zoe ate her baby!” jd yells in response.

“i’m sure that there are better ways to phrase that,” zoe says. “i mean, i literally just ate a bag of crisps.”

“you know what this reminds me of?” i say, to no one in particular.

jd turns to me and asks “what?”

“‘jd’s abortion clinic and restaurant’…”

jd stares straight into my eyes. “you make ‘em we bake ‘em?”

i nod, and - in the background - i hear jake say “we should write a fanfiction about that…”

and yeah, maybe we should…

**Author's Note:**

> i didn’t proofread this, also, it may or may not be the introduction to another, longer fic, that i’m planning on writing with xotpx, focusing on the strange inside joke of “you make ‘em we bake ‘em”.


End file.
